September 2, 2017

Bitter-Sweet Day

Hello to everyone. I hope y’all are enjoying your weekend, I am. I ended up with a 4 day weekend that I needed so very badly. The last 2 days that I worked I almost quit both days. It’s getting that bad. I’m not sure what the next step is going to be but I intend on it being major changes in my life. I’m 41 and I’ve had a pretty rough time as you know of some of the basics already. Depression is taking it’s toll on me for sure. It has been a rough roller coaster ride, up and down constantly and no one seems to understand.
When your down and out, or broke, or fall flat on your face, you learn real quick who gives a damn about you! Living alone takes a lot out of me as well but I don’t think I could live with anyone right now, I have my own routine and for the first time in my life I don’t take orders from no one. I just wish I had someone that was around quite often but not too much if you get the picture. Someone who would be there for me when I need them. I have a lot of hard days and nights where I don’t feel like I’m going to make it. I feel so smothered and alone it’s frightening. Hopefully one day someone will come along and take it all away or at least help me through it. At least give a damn instead of making fun of me about it.
I attempted to do some more painting today but I lost interest real quick. That’s just how it is. I do that on a daily basis. I never know when I get up what mood is going to hit me and even at that, if it’s a good mood in the morning it can quickly change in 2 seconds flat. There is never a warning sign or nothing, I’m either smiling or crying or just sitting there completely numb with no emotions whatsoever. I have removed people that irritate me out of my life and I’m about to remove some more. As well as things or situations that make me miserable too, anything that causes pain or starts these feelings I try to get rid of it. People seem to be worse to deal with though. I cannot tolerate stupidity nor being lied too, or dealing with fake, rude ass people that are no good for me. I have no filter whatsoever anymore. I have no problem calling people out on their shit or their lies. I watch people closely especially those that I’m around often. Sometimes it sucks to learn that there is such horrible cold-hearted people out there, right there in front of you.
I really hate getting to know someone then realize you don’t know them at all. I hate people who show me a fake lying life. I don’t and don’t intend to ever be fake. I may not tell all of my problems or deep dark secrets to everyone but I refuse to be fake. I’m me and if no one likes that well, they can walk away then. I really don’t care anymore.
I have considered dropping down my facebook to just family and really close friends. I don’t have to have 100 + likes on my shit to feel good about myself or rely on that making me feel accepted. Hell I may just delete it and messenger altogether, fuck it.
I try everyday to make it a better day but depression will and can take over no matter what I’m doing or where I am. And the main thing I want to do when it hits is to lay in my bed, cuddle up to my pillows until the pain and moment subsides. When I’m at work or out in public, I end up going home or I’ll hide in a bathroom trying to pull myself back together. I’ve never had anyone around me at home to just simply hold me until it passes. Taking care of myself during that is maybe equivalent to having a high fever, a bad cold, throwing up, diarrhea, severe migraine, and a horrible toothache all at the same time. It may be even be worse than all that but you get the picture. Most people don’t understand it at all. Almost impossible to pick myself up during it too. I have but it’s rough as hell, I just start crying which makes it almost impossible to put on make up for the day or cook because I’m starving half to death.
Anyway on a much, much, brighter note. Found out today at a gender reveal party that my youngest son and wife are having a Baby Boy!!!!! I’m so excited to meet the little guy I can’t hardly stand it at all. I was hoping for a girl but I know they’re going to have more so maybe one will be a girl. I raised boys so I know how to take care of them and boy are they a handful. Mine was rough and wild but I wouldn’t trade not one single moment of time with my boys. They are my world and now I have my very first grandson on the way!! I have requested to be called mammaw because that’s what I called my grandmother and she meant the world to me as well and would break her back for me, give me the last bit of food, whatever it was she would go out of her way for me. I already love this grandson of mine and I can’t wait to hold him and be a part of his life and watch him grow. So so excited!!!!!!!!!!!
I am however working at trying to make a better life for myself even if it means I have to give up stuff, jobs, and people. I’m busting my ass at working online, which is harder than you think, but it’s what I desire so I’m not giving up that easy. I’ll get to that point one day. Hopefully it’s sooner than I think because I cannot take these lame ass mill jobs much longer.
Me and my older son are going out tomorrow and to just find something to do. I haven’t got to spend much time with him lately. I miss him. I don’t know what we’re going to do or where we’re going to go but we always have fun regardless.
I hope y’all have a good night & a great day tomorrow!
Love, Lori

Please feel free to comment

%d bloggers like this: