June 14, 2017

Nothing feels the same anymoreย 

It’s funny how lately I don’t feel the same about things or people like I used to. It’s so strange. Sometimes it feels like I’m walking through someone else’s life instead of my own. Trapped. Confused. Alone. 

I guess I still like or love the same things but I feel different about them. Like it’s not as strong anymore. Being alone has without a doubt impacted me and fucking changed me. When you go from having people around you all the time to absolutely no one….it does something to your mind. To your soul. I believe that’s what has made it hard for me to write right now. I can’t focus on any one thing. I don’t even play that much anymore lately…y’all know what I mean. I haven’t lost it but I think about it and think why? Why do it, no one is here to watch or join in? Just with no one here I’ve just sat down and can’t seem to get back up. 
There for awhile I was pretty happy and influenced in a good way and felt great about myself. But it all came to a screeching halt just like always. I’m never good enough to keep anybody’s attention on just me. There’s always someone better, more exciting, built better, fucks better….that always causes me to lose and be tossed aside like I ain’t shit or don’t exist anymore. 
Only thing I can say to myself and to those people is that one day….you will fucking regret you let me go. I know what I bring to the table and what I’m capable of and if they throw that away then that’s their loss not mine. Once I reach the point or level to where I no longer give a fuck, I’ll be gone, I don’t go back anymore. But I bet I’ll be a memory that flows through their mind. And I’ll even go as far as they may think…damn, I wish I knew where she was, I had her, damn it. Not being conceited at all, I know how good I am in all areas and letting me go is a big mistake. 
All of us are special and badass in our own ways. Some of us have shit you can’t teach others. And most don’t realize that until they’ve lost you because they have eyes on others as well and fucking others so they’re blind to you until your gone, then they notice. 

Also I’ve noticed a pattern lol. Waiting for a reply back from someone and I’ll just leave it sitting on messenger and lay the phone down occasionally glancing over to see if they’ve replied yet. And when you really want to talk to a certain person and you watch them go off & online quite a bit while still waiting for your reply, then they answer you 30 mins to an hour later with a short message back.  News flash….they’re talking to someone else that’s way more important than you are. And for those of you that don’t understand, that little fucking green dot shows your online when your using messenger even if you’ve not been on facebook at all. But honestly I’ve gave up trying to talk to the ones I want to talk to. If they wanted to talk to me they just would. Hell I don’t hardly send a message anymore to anyone. I don’t like the rejection I get so I figured if they’re interested they’ll message…but they still don’t. 

Yes I’m all in my feelings today. I had a bad night last night. I had a horrible terrifying nightmare of my mom dying and I woke up and sat straight up screaming at the top of my lungs. It was pitch black and I was crying with my heart pounding. I turned the light on and left it on and cuddled up to my 5 pillows for comfort wishing I got cuddled back up to. That’s the kind of shit that sucks for me. Having to be there for myself for everything. Like I said this shit has changed me. I don’t know if it’s making me stronger or breaking me down at this point. 
I read a post this morning that said don’t give up on people, miracles happen. Well I’m giving up on someone, someone that use to make me feel alive. I should have listened to the warnings I was told of a long time ago, warnings that should have caused me to never even speak to them to start with. But me being me, I tried anyway. Now I have to learn to let go somehow. Some people will never change no matter how good you are to or for them. 
Any who I hope y’all are having a great day. I’m just gonna be lazy today lol, fuck it ๐Ÿ˜‚! I hung my huge comforter up blocking half the house because I’m dying in my house it’s sooooo hot. So far I’m still kicking lol but the other half the house is hot as hell. Hopefully tonight I won’t have to sweat trying to sleep. Also another reason I don’t wanna play ๐Ÿ˜œ…it’s toooo damn hot! I’m not capable of a little quicky to get off, I wanna play dammit an always end up having to get back in tub from sweating ๐Ÿ˜Ž. 
And some other things that ain’t the same anymore is I used to love cooking and doing something for every holiday, gardening, art, wood shop stuff, always cleaning and improving my pickup truck-I ain’t hardly touched it other than driving it, writing about sex of course lol….& sex ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜˜ which I don’t get anymore. My lady parts are gonna close up and no one will be able to get in if it keeps going like this hahahaha๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚. I need all that naughtiness back! 

Well y’all have a great rest of the day!!!! Love you people โค๏ธโค๏ธ๐Ÿค˜๐Ÿป
Love, Lori ๐Ÿ’‹

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