April 26, 2017

Night Cap 

I’m writing now for tonight & in the morning. I got shit to do then work in the am. 
Yes I’m still feeling bad. Can’t shake it. I know blah blah I like being single but the sucky part is that it’s lonely. The later it gets the more it sucks of every single day. Yes I love being single, it has lots of perks but damn it gets so f’king lonely. I hardly ever get company. I don’t get cuddled or get the I love/care about you feeling. I need it dammit lol. I want to feel like I mean something to somebody and I will not beg.  
Me…writing started when I was in the early teens. It became an outlet and I still to this day use it for that. I have a hard time saying what needs to be said in person. I’ve always been that way due to a lot of shit happening to me, I just break down and shut down. 
I know I don’t let just anybody in my life but if I do your actually lucky because I just don’t do it normally. I keep to myself for the most part. I swear they’re are stages of being single, one minute I’m like hell yeah then the next minute I want to be fucking held at night. I don’t think I’m asking for too much??? 
So am I over thinking or overreacting on this? Do I seem crazy to y’all? Because I feel like I’m going crazy. Honestly…I hate myself for the ability to care for people anymore. I hardly ever get it retuned back to me. I’ve tried so hard to just simply not give a fuck about those that don’t even think of me throughout the day but it don’t work. My circle has definitely gotten a lot smaller over the past few months. If they hurt me or use me or play two-faced to me, I’ve been dropping them from my life. 
I guess I should shut up about it all before I say shit I shouldn’t. Because most are still on my fb and stuff. Well thanks for reading my nonsense and letting me vent! Lol 
Well I gotta get back to being on track with this heart of mine…I think I derailed somewhere because I was doing great for a little while. It was so freeing to not worry. But I think loneliness takes over and makes it hard for me to breathe sometimes. 
Good night people, love ya’s! 

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