April 11, 2017

I'm gonna be a little real πŸ˜•

Hey y’all. Hope everyone had a good day today, it sure was nice out. I really didn’t get to enjoy it to much. Let’s just say it was a long day for me and nothing went right and even up to the end of the day went bad. Oh well life goes on. Now I did try and make this post longer because I told y’all I read that I shouldn’t make all of them short for lazy readers. If people are interested they’ll want to know what you’ve got to say. So here it goes lol. 
I’m not getting on here to complain or bash people or whatever you call it I’ve been doing. But I do want to just be real on here about some things about me and my life. I can’t say what some of it is but some I can. It’s not all serious stuff neither. I basically just want to talk but no one to talk to. I don’t feel like I’m that interesting to talk too, at least that’s how I feel because well nobody talks except wanting to go out and I don’t wanna, nothing personal. That and my anxiety gets the best of me. 
Some people know me and some just know of me but even the ones that know me don’t really know what all is going on. They don’t ask I don’t tell. Y’all know I’m miserable, I ain’t even writing about all that shit. But it is a lot of shit. I’m trying to figure out how to write some of it without actually saying it simply because I can’t. I just can’t. 
When I told y’all about people telling me they could see my pain in my eyes, well today I stopped and stared at myself in the mirror and I could see my own pain even though I know what it all is I could see it. It scared the shit out of me. I wish I could just spit it all out but I can’t. It hurts too much. I hurt all the time. I carry a painful knot everyday all day long even when I’m smiling and laughing. It won’t go away. And I can’t tell you why or what it is that’s causing it. It’s not being alone, it’s not loneliness, it’s not my jobs, it’s not money, etc. And the really sad part is that nobody cares to know and I know that. I’m not even thought of that much so I know no one would. 
I’m not trying to be all sad I’m trying to just talk this out a little bit. I have grown fond of my bed and my tub simply because that’s the only two places I can relax just a little bit. Just driving around and doing my thang don’t work no more and y’all that read everything know what I’m talking about lol. Those that don’t…well let’s just say when I’m done I need a nap lol. I don’t know why it’s so relieving to do that while driving but it is what it is. I haven’t lost my sex drive I just can’t focus on it anymore like I did. That’s probably why I can’t finish the dirty story I’ve been working on. I mean I’ll get excited and horny and then before I can do anything about it something or someone seems to mess it up every time. I did a little bit the other day and recorded it for the first time in forever. But I’ll probably delete it though because well why do I want to watch it ya know. I see it live 😜. And no I’m not sending it out either. Anyway lol, enough of that. I think I’m going to just list some of things that bother me or I need or whatever. 
It’s really weird how small I feel in this world, it smothers me thinking about it. How do we go on with life really? How are we supposed to keep going when it seems there’s nothing or no one to keep going for? Yes I think this shit, I think a lot of shit let me tell ya. But like I said I’m going to be real here. I know I ain’t the only one. I work two jobs, I have 3 dogs, I’m always busy but yet I ain’t busy enough to stop thinking and feeling what I feel. Can y’all relate??? That shit sucks. It sucks to feel unwanted and not important to anyone when your single and it really sucks to feel that way when your taken or married…am I right? I know I am, I know some of y’all feel that shit. 
Ok so here’s a list of some things, I don’t know why, I just think about it and wonder who cares enough or even really notices me. So I figured that’s why I’m trying to be real tonight.

  • Does anyone even know what my eye color is? 
  • Does anyone even know what my two favorite colors are? 
  • My favorite type of dog?
  • My favorite things to do?
  • Hell…how I’m even doing today? Nope

There’s tons more lol. I seriously get scared because if I was to hurt myself or up and die at home……no one would know. If I don’t respond to messages people just think I’m just being an asshole and don’t care enough to find out or even think about me enough either. Just saying. But oh well. I know I chose to be single but it would be comforting to know anyways that somebody would, well I know my gf would. If I didn’t show up at work or answer her back she’d be on it! I know it in my heart and I love that woman! You rock girl! 
Sorry but I’m still trying to figure out what I want to tell and can’t..ugh. The only reason is because it helps sometimes to get shit off your chest. 
And one thing is I really want a fucking massage. Dammit. What’s a girl gotta do? I guess I’m gonna have to pay for it an get molested while they do it haha. I guess as long as it ain’t one of them little old women that don’t speak english it might be alrightπŸ˜‚! 
Here’s some simple things.. I like my hair played with, hardly get it. I like my feet rubbed-never get it. I like clit nuts, only I can do it for myself, I think I’m broken haha. Um…..I like cuddling, don’t get to much. I like Netflixing it all day, just boring doing it by myself all the time. I wanna cook a meal with a man, I don’t know why, it just sounds fun lol. And cuddle cuddle cuddle 😁😁😁. 
I wanna fall asleep in the arms of someone instead of my arms wrapped tightly around pillows. And I have developed a snoring problem hahaha…I recorded myself with this app. I used it to see what Sadie does all night but I couldn’t stop laughing at myself when all I heard was me. It would be me snoring and then you could hear Sadies toy squeaking in the back ground πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. I guess that means I’ll be sleeping alone forever now! LOL!! Gotta get some breathe right strips I reckon lol! I wonder if stress is the cause of it? I don’t know. 
Ok this one is no news flash, Trust, I have a major problem with it. I’m sorry I can’t help it. Until someone comes along and proves to me that some people are trustworthy I will probably still have trouble with it. Hell I don’t even trust my dogs lol. I trust no one. I try my hardest to trust I really really do and when I think I’m making progress it just blows up in my face every time. I guess it’s safer to never let your guard down anyway. It’s always screwed me over in the past so that’s why I just can’t today. 
I think I have a sick twisted mind when it comes to all that bondage and crazy sex stuff lol. I’ve never even told no one some of it…no one! Lol. Y’all know I’m a nut and crazy about this shit, I’m not hiding that fact. But even with that much interest…here’s what I don’t say….sometimes I just want slow and gentle and not rushed sex. I don’t just like the wildness, I like it all. I’m pretty open minded with it for the most part. I still haven’t mastered being dominant even though I get tore up just thinking about being in that position. I think my fear with it is the other person won’t like what I do or I’ll be boring as hell lol. 
Most don’t know about my past. I did write it in an ebook that’s on Amazon. I will go change it to free because it’s not selling anyways. It has some of the posts you’ve already read except one. Just go to Amazon and type in Lori Hensley and it will pull up. It’s called Lori Hensley’s blog compilation. Go read it, I’m not gonna rewrite it to put on here. Too painful. If it don’t let you read it for free, let me know and I will see if I can fix it. 
Here’s one pain I can sorta share. Last night I thought that something bad was gonna happen to me. I went through some shit last night with someone and it was pretty bad, I was hurt deeply by someone. I was crying and shaking and my chest was hurting and I was like hyper ventilating or something. Scared me so bad I just closed my eyes and took tons of deep breaths until I fell asleep. Didn’t want to talk about it but I said I would say some shit. I won’t say who, just that it sucked and I don’t wanna feel like that ever again. I already feel alone and unimportant as it is and I didn’t need it nor did I deserve it. 

  • I just want to feel alive

I took a picture earlier because even though I had a bad day I can still face the camera and life. May not be smiling like hell but I try to remain somewhat normal. It’s not a great pic, kinda fuzzy, not sure why lol. 

Well I guess I didn’t really tell you people too much huh? I’m sorry, I can’t spit out any of my real pain. Maybe later I don’t knowπŸ˜”. 
I know one pain is I don’t have no damn coffee pot! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Convienent store coffee sucks ass and kinda smells like it! Lol 
Goodnight people, love ya! ❀️
Love, Lori πŸ’‹

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