Hey y’all. I’m not deleting that last post like I normally do when I write those because it’s nothing but the straight up truth and I’m not afraid to say it. Yes I was furious, still kinda upset about it all. I think it’s more like I’m DONE. They know who they are and what they’ve done or are doing to me behind my back.
I shouldn’t have deleted all the others I’ve wrote in anger either because I get messages insinuating that it helps people to read all my craziness. But I can’t get them back.
I won’t say names or hardly even exact situations about the root of my anger or hurt. I just don’t do that. I’m not that kind of person. But I have no problem telling them to their face.
I decided to write again because the kids went out to eat so that leaves my tub open for a few hours 😂 and I’m in it!!! Having one bathroom I kinda can’t hog it when they’re home. Feels great to relax but what I really wanna do is damn go, just fucking go any damn where. I’m already disgusted at the thought of going to the hideous job tomorrow. I swear I can’t catch a break for shit. If it’s not the jobs or money or the house falling apart, it’s somebody hurting me…again.
But anyway my last post was mostly wrote out of hurt. I know when I’m angry my posts probably don’t make a lot of sense so that’s why I’m writing this one, to try and slow it down a bit.
It’s just that almost everyone I know is doing or has done something to me or is doing it behind my back. They think I don’t know but I do, very well. I may come off as stupid but I assure you I’m far from being stupid or blind. I know more of what is going on behind my back than I let on and I should probably start calling people out on it, to their face not on social media. Caring for people will blindside you like a motherfucker. And they can get away with anything for quite sometime because like me I always try to believe they’re a better person than what I’m being told or what I’m seeing…proof.
It hurts, hurts like hell. Ya know I’m sitting here by myself and there’s no one around or even coming around, I do it every single damn day. That’s fine, can’t make people feel what you feel. So I have to learn to harden my heart or let certain people go out of my life because it hurts so bad.
People are mean and they are cruel. I know this, I just wish I could find somebody that would take care of me and make all the junk go away but that ain’t gonna happen. I’ve been cheated on and done wrong by all. So why would I believe there’s anyone true anymore. Can’t blame me.
I know I said I’m sick of being used in the last post. And I am. I haven’t said anything to ‘those’ people and I probably won’t because they don’t give a shit anyways. So why waste my breath. I know I’m nobody special and I don’t pretend to be. I’m not some drop dead gorgeous woman, I’m not even built great to where I even feel like a woman, I kinda feel like a joke sometimes. That’s why I want/need a boob job and doing those exercises to build up elsewhere and stuff to make me feel better about my own self. I’m not educated. I don’t have a career. I really can’t do anything cool. I don’t drink or do drugs so I’m boring in that sense. I don’t go around fucking everybody even though I had the thought to just do it, like everybody else does, so I’m boring there too. With all that being said I’m not acting like people should like me because I’m basically a nothing except a mother to my boys. That’s it. All I do is cry for somebody to give a shit about me for a change. To show up even when I’m at my weakest. And when I discover I’ve been done wrong and stabbed in the back by the only few around me….it fucking hurts! Other than my boys I have like two people in my life left.
I have to share this not to make anyone feel sorry for me but it’s about my little black dog-Sadie. I bursted into tears writing the above paragraph and Sadie hates the tub. And she hates it when I cry too. I’m sitting sideways in the tub and she ran up to me as soon as I started crying and starts kissing my face and whining like crazy. She almost jumped in the tub to get closer to me. She does that all the time. She won’t stop until I stop crying, I guess I know she loves me. 😊. It’s really sweet though for her to basically cry with me lol. She’s part pitbull and something else..??? She’s sweet though.
I guess I’ve said all I can say without actually saying the problems in detail. I can’t do that because they would know and this is social media as well. So I can’t and I won’t. I know I didn’t say what or where I feel like I’m being used either because well I can’t. Sorry. I’ll shut up now lol.