April 2, 2017

Morning 😴

It’s kinda too early to write but wth? Lol. I’ll pass out in a few minutes I’m sure. I haven’t been asleep yet and I have to work tomorrow. I was gonna go to gym but I need sleep more. 
I took off driving last night around 10:30. I was in bed trying to ignore everything the phone, the door, the tv, etc. I was so damn hurt and pissed off at the same time. I rolled over to sleep and idk…I just jumped up and threw my shoes on and out the door I went. I felt the need to just run away, if only for a tad bit. I just drove south for a long time, ended up in kennesaw ga. I started to get sleepy so I figured I’d better get back. I tell ya if I already had financial means from other than those jobs I would have kept going. I’d sent money for my boys and kept rolling. It felt good to just go. I rocked out the whole damn time to 80’s rock. You know how they holler and scream in their songs, well I screamed with them to the top of my lungs. You’d be amazed at the release that gives. Just fucking scream!!! There’s so much hurt and confusion and chaos in my life I just can’t take it anymore. I don’t understand why people feel the need to lie to me and do me dirty. If I’m important to them why do they do me like that? Why not just say hey I don’t want to be your friend no more or whatever and walk away? 
My youngest has started noticing that I’m pretty fucking miserable. He don’t understand it, thinks I’m just pissed off everyday. But that’s not it, I’m struggling, I’m hurting and I don’t care to say it out loud. I AM MISERABLE. I know money won’t solve my personal problems but sure as hell will help just a bit to keep my mind occupied for a little while. 
Whatever, I’ve tried several times to finish my current story but with no luck. I can’t get the shit out of my head that’s going on. Ugh! I know I should take a lot of deep breaths and chill the fuck out but every time I do all that comes out is anger or tears and thanks to my drive, now a good scream lol. I had trust issues to start with and now it’s even worse. I don’t believe a damn thing coming out of anybody’s mouth except one person and my boys. 
Changing the subject cause I’m sure y’all are as sick of reading about it as I am with feeling it everyday. I worked on our YouTube channel last night and I’m waiting on an approval email to where we can monetize our videos. Really hoping we’ve got enough ground now to get started with it. Making videos is harder than you think and then there’s editing and we have not mastered that yet. But we’re trying hard. We both want it real bad and I’ve put that fighting power in my boys like I have, never give up! Keep pushing! I made the statement at the beginning of the year, even made a video, that was my very first New Years resolution ever, that I will be successful this year and I will! And what’s funny is as I go along my fight to make it, people are dropping out of my life like flies. Oh well, you learn eventually who really gives a damn about you or not. And I’m literally down to 5 people in my life and I work with 3 of them. 
If I’m losing people because of who I am or what I’m becoming then I don’t need them anyway. Real friends are proud of ya not jealous and try to knock you down. I know I’m still complaining I’m sorry but it’s a big deal right now in my life. And my blog is basically a journal type blog with a kinky twist hahaha. But honestly how many people feel like they know me because I ain’t afraid to talk?  
Eyes are heavy, may write later. Night 

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