March 17, 2017

I'm Slipping

Hey guys, hope y’all had a great day today and didn’t get pinched lol. I wrote a post earlier but I was a bit harsh so I deleted it. I don’t think anyone saw it, it didn’t show there was views on it anyways. But I’m gonna try again. 

This has been my face for a couple of days lol. Can’t shake it. One thing that’s bugging me is that I’m getting on people’s nerves by being sad. By talking about it so much. Do y’all know how much that hurts my feelings?? This is my only way to escape, to write it out and now I feel wronged for doing that. But I don’t see one m’f at my door with a shoulder to cry on or to just talk to! Just saying.  
It kills me, most may have tons of people they can lean on but I don’t, I have a few. And this blog is one of the shoulders I lean on and no one is taking that away from me. I’ll pout it out and kick a few things, I’ll be over it soon. That’s all I do is stay strong, it’s my Only choice. And I’m VERY tired. 
I hate it when people think they have a solution to other people’s problems. News flash…ONE person knows exactly how I feel, what I’m going through, feelings that I have for others that don’t mean shit, financial struggle, my past, my demons, my darkness, the sadness, secrets, and on & on. So if you ain’t HER you don’t know me and cannot judge me nor tell me how I should feel etc. A lot of people know of me and talk to me but don’t know the real me because they don’t care too. I know I’m being an asshole on here. But my God if your going to give me advice at least make it helpful. I try so hard to be good to everyone and keep a smile on my face but damn can I not get that back once in awhile? I have literally begged, flat out begged to be held and be able to just cry it out…no one offers. It’s to difficult apparently. 
About a month ago I was at work and I can’t say what it was about but my heart was broke and I fell apart. I leaned up against the back of my truck and you know who came to save me???  That ONE person! She hugged me up and let me know that she cared and gave a damn about me! I appreciate her so much. That’s why this one person is the only one I trust with my business. I don’t get judged or laughed at or nothing. 
So anyway, by the title name I’m slipping means ever since I got home last night I slipped into that ‘place’ where it takes me days to come out of. And I’m fighting this completely sober, I think I deserve a fucking medal and that shoulder to cry on once in awhile. I didn’t go to the gym yesterday or today nor did I do the mat workouts for the past 3 days. I’ve barely cleaned the house, and don’t care what I look like. I can’t shake this shit when it starts just like that. I have to work through it and if I could quit crying so I can see the screen I might get this wrote before bedtime. lol
Yea I know this post is all sad and shit. And there will be more I’m sure but if anyone gives a damn about me they’ll read to try to understand and help me. But I’m leaning on my own shoulder and holding my own hand and patting my own self on the back and wiping my own tears away to stand up and keep going. So until someone relieves me of those and takes care of me I’m gonna keep doing it and keep writing about it when I feel I need too. 
Also I fight with anxiety which makes it hard to go anywhere with anyone. One morning I walked into the gym, did the tanning thing then hit the treadmill. Within 20 minutes I felt panicked and freaked out so I left quickly and went back home and crawled back into bed and covered my head up hiding. Laying there wishing someone would come along to comfort me, but no one ever does. It is what it is. I chose to be single and now I have to deal with it but it would be nice to have somebody I could talk to when I need to ( and my friend has her own life, I will not burden her all the time ). 
Now I am going to try and not write every post with sadness and being pissed off and shit. I gotta throw some happiness and sexual tension around too haha!!! And I am making new friends by the way at the gym. Who knows? Lol. I’ve learned that no matter how I feel I cannot make anybody feel the same about me. So I’m also learning like I said before, to stop allowing myself to feel tooooo much about people I don’t really know. 
This is long I know I’m sorry. But when something is itching at me I gotta scratch it hahahaha. 
Well I don’t know if I can but I’m going to try and write something dirty later before I go to bed. And I’m going to do everything I can to make myself go to the gym in the morning. I gotta keep pushing. 
Love, Lori 

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