WOW what a day! My full time job is kicking my ass! Can’t wait to drop that job, yes I’m thankful I have it but it can’t come fast enough to drop it! Same pay-more work-too many chiefs…blah blah blah. Lol
I’ve held in my feelings and emotions all day, didn’t want to ruin someone else’s day. As soon as I sat down in my tub I started crying. Exhausted in so many ways. I can’t even explain it right or in detail, it’s hard to say really. I really want to give up but at the same time I want to push myself harder. I just don’t feel attractive anymore either. I have “Fuck Book” to thank for that. All my guy friends rave over these big chested & ass women and it’s got me like..Really? I don’t know why but I don’t feel like I measure up anymore. I can’t compete. I’m just me, if that ain’t enough…sorry. I’m sure someone will someday.
I’m trying so damn hard y’all, I really am, to better myself and to love myself but it seems like I’m slipping I swear. Being alone doesn’t help at all. I want someone to talk to sometimes and no I don’t want to date. I don’t even get the simple conversation of just ‘supper’ or anything really. Being single fucking sucks!!!! But I don’t have anymore room in my heart to be hurt any damn more. So single is actually better than dating, but it still sucks though.
When I was having those toothaches I realized that having no one here to try and take care of me really hurt. I don’t care how old you are, when your sick or in pain, we all need somebody. I got nobody. Not one person showed up at my door to care for me and that really showed me some people’s real feelings and that hurt too. Not even my own kin. (My gf is excluded because she was in more pain than I was). I wanted to go hold her hand but I couldn’t get out of bed.
Maybe everything a little over a year now that has happened to me has just been thrown at me to make me stronger, I don’t know. I don’t really have a choice but to deal with everything and allow it to make me stronger. All I can do is be strong, I have no other options. And until your put in that spot you will have no understanding of what the hell I’ve been talking about through the whole blog.
I so want to write about some dirty stuff. I stay stressed out and I can’t put it writing. I want to share some things but I can’t put it all together on here. Normally those writings come when I’m up really late and I’ve been passing out early since I’ve joined the gym. There’s been nights where I come in from work and sit on bed to relax for a minute and don’t remember passing out, still fully dressed.
I had the thought today since I get all that anxiety from going out with somebody, that I’m gonna take myself out. Maybe if I’m by myself I won’t want to puke and get all sick at my stomach. That’s the biggest reason I turn down so many dates. If it wasn’t for that I’d probably dated some here and there. But oh well it is what it is and I’ll just date myself. If pot was legal….I’d be calm, it helps my anxiety and knocks it down to nothing. But again oh well, can’t get fired from my job.
I post a lot of pics on Facebook, it’s not for anyone to go crazy over. I do it for me so that I don’t crawl back into my little cave and hide myself. Like the pic below👇🏻just ignore the fact I was pulling my shirt down, I was goofing off with a friend being goofy, no it wasn’t sexting either, don’t get y’all’s panties in a wod 😂 it don’t show much, ain’t much to see anyway lol. And my hair was still purple😍.
And this next one but I had to edit it heehee. All I’ll say bout that lol.
Just in the time I’ve been writing this I’ve started feeling better, not great but I stopped crying. Strong people cry and hurt too.
*Backseat of truck, windows fogging up, sweat pouring, heart pounding, lightening strike orgasm……
*Behind the curtain of theater, intense foreplay, intense finger fucking, sloppy wet kissing…….
Ok that’s all I got for now haha. At least I was able to spit that out right?! Lol
Ok well it’s after 11 pm and I’m still in the tub 😁. Gonna finish my bath and head to bed. Gym time in the morning…Yay!!
Love ya people!