I know I did a topic post already today. But a lot of you tell me you like my random talking about my day so here goes..😂. First, how was y’all’s day?? Good I hope, you can comment below and talk back to me😉.
The post I did today meant a lot to me because I’m the worlds worst at letting people run over me or fool me or falling for situations that turn out to be crazy(jobs, get rich, etc). I do have to push and coach myself every single day. If I don’t I’ll collapse. It’s hard to make myself do anything sometimes…really hard.
My day went pretty good I guess until around the time I got off work. I kept my head and heart strong all day. But it got to me on my way home. Knowing there is no one that truly wants me for me other than for what I can do for them and no one will be at home waiting to see me. It sucks, it rips my heart right out of my chest. I do my best to uplift people on here but I need the uplifting too. I have weak moments and sometimes weak days. I get attached to easily and it always ends badly for me. I’ve got to get a grip and stop damn falling for shit. Here’s some honesty I don’t want to tell but I think I should to show those that hurt and struggle that they’re not alone. Only putting this on here one time.
On my way home, this is what started it. I didn’t even turn on the stereo which is not me! I thought…How nice it would be to have a man in my life that only sees me and only talks to me, only interested in ME. To actually love me to the point to where I didn’t have to question his faithfulness to me. And then the thought of ‘I DONT HAVE THAT’ & may never have that clearly comes to mind…..I cried so hard the rest of the way home. I hurt so much and cry so hard quite often. At times that hurt overwhelms me and it feels like I’m dying, I literally can’t get out of bed. I honestly don’t feel like I’m really cared for or thought of and I don’t think I cross people’s minds like I’m hoping I do. I don’t get it really, I don’t understand it at all. Why me? What did I do? Why am I not enough to be the only one? Is it because some other girl is prettier? Is it because I’m poor? Am I boring? Am I just no good for anything?These questions run through my head all the time. I cling to what little bit I can get because I want to feel wanted, be important to someone, someone that would not want to lose me and misses me, and needing that causes me to catch feelings for people, not just men-friends too. I shouldn’t be catching feelings in the first place but someone like me with a big heart JUST does and I always get pushed aside because there’s always somebody better than me that comes along….relationship wise or friendship wise……..OK……..there I said it. I said how I TRULY feel which I don’t like doing at all, I’m afraid it will make me look like an idiot or a fool to somebody especially if they’re not a true friend or whatever to me. I don’t like feeling like I’m being played as a fool or BEING played. To be honest this is exactly my thought right now writing these last few sentences….if I am being fooled, they’re gonna laugh at my expense by me opening up. 😔
Sheeew, ugh I hate talking about my feelings anymore and that’s really the first time I didn’t beat around the bush on them. I know I’ve said stuff but if you go back and read I always say ‘just’ enough but not how I really felt. So therefore, the reason I wrote about my true self was to show you what I fight on a daily basis to be confident in myself and to love myself. I fight a hard battle. I wanted people to know who struggle like me that your not alone. And this is not my only battle either, most don’t know what all I’m going through and honestly no one asks and that makes me feel even more that nobody really gives a damn. So if I can do it y’all can do it! Everyday won’t be a success and that’s ok. Just get up the next day and try again. Eventually you will see your worth and become stronger.
I have a lot to say because I’ve been through a lot. Nothing I tell you personally is made up or fake. Maybe that’s why I have a passion to write and have been through pure hell most of my life and it still continues is God knew ahead of time I could help someone. I mean I don’t know really, just guessing. BUT I don’t think he would be too proud of my dirty little stories 😂😂 but at the same time it’s just stories and I don’t feel convicted or restricted on what I write.
Maybe that’s why no one wants just me for life…I’m broken.
But you see, I’m not perfect I’m a damn wreck. But when my mind is clear I get on here and try to speak positively because I think someone else may be hurting too. Those that don’t understand a damn word I’m saying, they have never truly felt a heartache before. I’m not talking about your friend hurt your feelings or your boy crush failed. It’s that sad, alone, lost kinda pain. Can’t really express it with words it’s just a horrible feeling.
Ok this is long enough, gonna get off here.
P.S. My girlfriend is the only one that can walk up to me and see pain or troubles in my eyes, I don’t even have to say a word, she just knows. I have to give her credit and I love you girl!!! I would love to have a man that knew me like that and cared that much.