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Good Friday Morning

I was barely awake and noticed $93 was took out of my bank account! I called the bank then called the ones that charged me. Couldn’t understand wth he was saying, he was getting smart with me and I completely lost my shit. I was yelling and cussed him out! Rule#1-Don’t cheat on me!…Rule#2-Don’t touch my f’n money!…Hell I barely have any as it is. 😡😡 Assholes getting me all worked up this early, to say the least, I think I won. I have emails saying their putting the money back. He probably don’t wanna talk to my ass again haha. UGH😠. 
Anyway, hope everyone has a great day! I hope there’s no more surprises like that for me today, I could just totally flip out lol. I think I may go order a new bank card just to be safe ya know. 
I tried writing last night but I deleted it because late at night is when you think and say the worst of how you feel. It was a lot too. I’ve been trying to write after I calm down instead of while I’m angry or hurt, that way I’m more rational and can say the truth. But I’m still not going to write about it though. Ima just keep it to myself as usual. Feelings-just never mind that shit. I couldn’t even write a dirty story I was so upset. I finally gave up about 2am and passed out. 😴
I was supposed to try to work today but I couldn’t convince myself to give up my off weekend to that job. No no no! Lol. Other days-fine, off weekends are off limits! 
I posted on my timeline last night about not feeling like your good enough. Yea, that shit sucks. It don’t take much for someone to make you feel like that either. Just wish I could be important to somebody. Makes you feel like you annoy them instead of them being excited to hear from you, Idk about you but it makes me feel stupid. Of course you’d think I’m used to it. I’ve always felt like I’m not good enough for anybody, men or friends. Hell most of the time I don’t feel like a good mom. I can post a pic and get likes and comments but deep down I think y’all seeing things hahaha. Apparently I don’t see what y’all do or y’all don’t see what I do. I don’t see beautiful or gorgeous or whatever. I see me and I don’t think I’m that great- appearance wise. I can be faithful as hell and bend over backwards for you and rock the bed 😂, but not really understanding how I look good to y’all. Whatever lol. I do love myself, just don’t think I’m all that tho. Anyway, with looks, attitude, and anything I offer it just doesn’t feel like I’m good enough…for anybody. I hate feeling like this, it’s about equivalent to the pain of being cheated on. I just don’t wanna even fix myself up today but I’ll force myself because that’s how I cope, I keep going and pushing or I’ll go completely under again. Enough of that junk. Had to get it off my chest. 😝
I need to find some boxes today. I gotta clean out my spare bedroom because my son and his fiancé are moving in soon. They are gonna stay here after I move out and take over, we’re kinda just switching lol. I’m done with this house, I can’t stand not having heat or air. It sucks real bad. But they have friends that’s gonna help them find a solution and help them out. Me…I want out, I just don’t like it and I don’t like freezing to death. It’s a rental so there’s no way if I had it I would drop money in it. Their thinking about buying it so I guess it might work for them. But me by myself I can’t afford to do nothing with it and it’s costing me out the ass for kerosene, wood, and running space heaters all the time trying to stay warm. With them, two paychecks could afford it better than me by myself. 
So I see some liked the bucket list post lol. Crazy stuff huh? I love it when I hear one of my stories tears somebody all to hell. It makes me want to write even more! I’m glad it does, that’s why I write them. Seems to be the ones that are real instead of the fiction ones. I guess because I am able to put so much passion in them. I’m gonna have to work a little harder on the fiction stories lol. I know I haven’t wrote too many lately and that’s partly because I’ve learned of several different people are reading my posts and I kinda shut down. I do that I can’t help it. I used to never say anything about my personal life or allow anyone to read some of the shit I come up with. Being single I was able to open up but now I’m all ‘idk man’ because I slipped into that omg what will they think…ugh! I know I can’t let that stop me but it does make it hard for me to be myself on here. I delete stuff before I publish it because I think well I don’t want some people knowing that or this about me. But this is my blog! And they don’t have to read it. But haters will follow you and know more about you than anybody. It’s not fair but comes with it I guess. Not all can stand to see you do something great for yourself and succeed at it. They wanna see you fail. 
Well I’m gonna go find something to do or just lay here all day haha who knows. Have a good day!
Love, Lori 💋

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