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I'm Still Awake Ugh

Hey, its me lol. I’m still awake, can’t sleep and I gotta be at work in like four hours. So much for feeling better….Boom I got all pissed off and aggravated at some shit and now I’m paying for it. Writing in that ebook kinda brought back bad memories and I got all fucking man hating again. I mean the men that have entered my life so far…ALL have done me wrong! Why wouldn’t I be pissed? Can’t blame me? I’m not lesbian enough to have a woman, hell I’d probably kill a female cause we gonna act the same ugh. I don’t even want a relationship anymore. The more I think about it the more I despise it.
I so want to just pack my bags and go, I swear. I don’t even remotely want to go to that damn job anymore. It sucks, the pay ain’t great for the work I have to do. And management don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground. I’ve been busting my butt trying to work online and its going so slow. That is how I intend on making money while I travel so I will not give up because its what I want. I sit in front of this computer working at it and then other times I’m writing. Its so hard but I know it will be worth it soon.
I’m going to leave my house and cut off the bills that I can. Give my stuff to my boys and only taking what I have to have. Putting my truck in storage because its on its last leg anyway. I’m going to get one of those RV vans, they don’t require a cdl and they have everything in them I need. I can work online while I’m out there and doing what I’ve dreamed of for so long before its too late. I’ve put it off because of a man, I’ve put a lot of stuff off because of men. I ain’t no more. If somebody wants me they’ll have to fucking prove it before I’ll give up something for myself again. Like I keep saying, ‘I ain’t no queen, but I’m a damn good woman who keeps getting disrespected’. So why should I even begin thinking about a relationship? Fuck that. Yes I’m angry in case you ain’t noticed lol. I know shit and I’m not stupid and I don’t like being lied to. I also spoke to one of my ex’s today, we got along thankfully. We talked about my purple hair lol and he thought it fit me well. And he was asking if I was ok…not what I expected to hear tho.
I know some blogs are like informative shit, but this is my blog and I’ll use it to rant if I want to haha. It’s my outlet and I’m gonna use it. I promise I’m going to do more of them dirty blogs. I’ve just been so focused on the other stuff I can’t come up with a hot story. Maybe I’ll make some new ‘sexual desires’ posts out there on the road lol. Fucking in an RV…heehee. I do believe that once I can get out of here and on the road I’ll be able to really discover who I am and really be able to write some really good shit. I think it is the best thing for me, to leave. I will be here for my sons when I’m needed, they know that. For my close facebook buddies, my cell phone number is in my info on facebook. I’ll still be on facebook but y’all can have my number, I don’t care. Just no dick pics and trying to hook up tho. I know it probably sounds like I’m leaving tomorrow but that’s how I think, that’s how I stay positive and keep myself working at it. You never know, I could actually win the money, inherit it somehow or anything. So I make sure I’m ready. My boys and my girlfriend knows I’m serious and they know at any given moment I’m gonna pack my bags. They know me better than anybody does.
You ever think that we all just think we have to be with somebody because that’s how the world portrays it like models make women think they have to look like that? I’m serious. I know I’m about as faithful as it gets but even I’m sick of the games AND being faithful. I’ve considered just fucking whatever I want and making them leave, no attachments whatsoever. Just hit it and quit it. No that’s not me but hell I’m just as sick of being hurt as the next person is. I’m human, I’m not a damn robot. I can’t do it anymore. Giving my all to somebody and they just fuck whoever they want regardless of what it does to me. I’m seriously done, done with trying. I can’t make nobody be faithful so I’ll just stay single and fuck whoever when I need it. I’ve wrote post after post about being faithful and I’m sick of it myself. I’m changing and getting to the point where I just don’t give a damn anymore about the ‘Perfect’ guy. He don’t exist. So why should I be the way I am for someone that doesn’t exist. I really am changing though. I’ve gained a lot of ‘I don’t give a fucks’ about a lot of stuff and a lot of people lately. No this is not depression or sadness talking, this is me being fed the fuck up! It’s to the point where shit don’t even make me angry, I’m just like oh well whatever, fuck it.
This work day is going to suck bad. I hope I can stay awake later when it hits because its gonna. I probably need some of you talking to me throughout the day to keep me awake lol. What really got me back out of bed was laying there alone and realizing how long I’ve been doing it. I crave that man that don’t exist, I can’t help it. But honestly I think being alone is better than dealing with all the bullshit from being cheated on. Hell I was accused all the time and I never done nothing. I had to open everything on my phone, open the hidden pictures folder, facebook messenger, everything, vehicle looked through,blah blah. I was innocent. And I didn’t deserve it and I still don’t.
Does anybody hear me? Does anybody understand what I’m writing about? Does anybody else hurt or get hurt a lot? What about only finding players? Have you honestly found someone who is actually faithful? Does anybody feel as empty as I do? Anybody fall for somebody’s bullshit when you thought they were not lying to you?
I think that I’m going to stop writing about the pain and being hurt all the time. I believe I’ve said all I need to say about it all anyway. Now its just going to go in circles if it ain’t already. No matter what I say or do, people ain’t gonna change for me or nobody else. They’re gonna do what they do regardless of how me or y’all feel. Only they can change themselves. But I will say that when these people are done playing the field, people like me will either be taken or will refuse to be taken. And they will have to settle for a hoe or be alone because they done fucked up and let a good one slip out of their hand for nothing but for a quick fuck that is only a number added to their belt…for what? That number ain’t gonna be shit when they alone. I’m speaking in general, not attacking nobody, its just this shit pisses me off and its all I’ve ever dealt with. This anger is coming from being alone because of cheaters. I’m sitting here alone and hurt and angry for nothing. All because of a piece of pussy that don’t mean shit to them and never will. I shouldn’t be alone, I didn’t do nothing wrong. I don’t deserve it.
I think if I could understand what the big deal/obsession with everybody fucking everything that moves shit, that maybe I wouldn’t be in this shape. Whatever, I think I’m just gonna be like them, fuck it. Ain’t doing me any good sitting around waiting and holding out for somebody that I’ll probably never find anyhow.
Thanks for reading my rant. I’m not going to apologize because its how I feel. Maybe someday somebody will read this stuff and be able to give me some answers, who knows. I’m going to go finish my cupcakes and slowly get ready for work,fucking yay lol.
TTYL, Hope y’all have a good day!
Love, Lori

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