December 26, 2016

Ebook update & such

I hope everybody had a wonderful day! And all the kiddos are happy little monsters haha. I miss mine being young, Christmas was way more fun then. Hell the box a toy came in became part of a fort for my boys lol. My living room was either a fort or a campsite all the time, used to drive me crazy now I miss it.
I have managed to make it through this day so far without shedding a tear..yay. I got sad here and there but I cranked up the stereo and danced it off lol. Plus I talked to both my boys today and we’re all good, one of em is sick poor thang. I am glad its over though,shew,been a long day. But I had a good ending to my day, a very good gift from Santa :D. So I’m all happy and smiles now.
About the ebook. I said there was a couple of new ones I’m putting in there. Well the one about junk happening in my life earlier I’m still adding, but the one about how I feel and stuff today I removed because its just too personal and I can’t share that. So I will be replacing it with something else. As much as I write about myself there’s still some things that I just can’t put out there. Actually there’s a lot that I don’t share. I mean somebody that’s close to me if they asked I’d probably share but you’d have to be close to me though. There’s some strange and embarrassing and humiliating things I went through and I’m not comfortable blurting them out.
For those like me that struggle with feeling alone. I’ve thought about several of you all day today. Its hard for me to help but at the same time it helps me because I’m striving and researching on how to help others which is causing me to forget that I’m lonely. Which is really good, because that feeling sucks ass.
Honestly from my own experience, thinking about it and questioning yourself does not help. Staring at the walls don’t either. I have to make myself get up and do stuff like simply doing dishes, I refused to do them for some reason for a day or two. I just didn’t have the energy or the want to, I can’t explain it really. Like for example, you need a shower, you keep walking in the bathroom and staring at the shower but don’t have the whatever to get in it. And me I would literally say out loud “Why, there ain’t nobody coming over, fuck it’. And I can’t stand to be nasty, and I had a problem with it. It’s I guess what loneliness does to you. I’m over that part, it only lasted a day or two. But there was even a few times where I didn’t have the energy to feed and care for my dogs that I considered giving all three of them away. But I had to shake that shit off because those dogs are my buddies and I love em. I’ve had all three of them since they were five weeks old, so I can’t part with em. There’s many other things I did like that and I’m sure y’all have to. They only thing I know is to push yourself even when it feels impossible. I know it sucks, believe me. Omg work is the worst by far. I still don’t want nothing to do with that job or any job because it makes me have to get up when I just want to hide. But ya know what I have realized…I don’t want to be unhappy and die like this alone. I refuse to be overcome by something that I can have mind power over. I will say things like ‘Come on Lori, you can do this’ or ‘You don’t want to live in that truck again do ya?’ You gotta be strong even when your weak!!!!
Find a new hobby or second job. Keep yourself busy it helps keep your mind in tact. I write, I read, I dance and listen to music ALL the time. The past couple of days I’ve just jumped in my truck and took off for a few hours just riding around. I do whatever I can to get away from this shit because I’m stronger than it is. I refuse meds and I refuse seeing a doctor to try and convince me I’m going crazy or something. I’m not, I have enough sense to know that I’m just sad from all the hell I’ve been through in my life and its really been hell since my mom passed away. Still to this day there has been no one to just listen or let me cry it out on their shoulder. I have had to deal with that pain on my own every single day. It still eats at me, I still feel like I haven’t really released the pain because nobody’s just hugged me up and told me let it out or whatever. My mom passing away is when I started changing because the moment she took her last breath, I instantly felt alone.
Like I said I’m not of much help but I’m trying to learn how to be anyway. It gives me something to do and gets a lot of shit off my mind. Now I did realize part of some of my problem and I’m alright with that now since I know what it was, only one person knows and their the only one that needs to know and they know exactly what I’m talking about so I’ll just leave that alone.
I wanna keep writing but I’ll end up going in circles haha. So I better quit. I’m still not done writing in the ebook. I didn’t realize that it hurts to write it as much as it does to say it out loud. I keep walking off and taking a breather so to speak. It is difficult but I want it out, it helps me to overcome some things and I will get it finished soon. I think the one I’m going to replace will be about some things about my little family and stuff. I’m talking about when I was younger with my mom and them.
I thank everybody for the ‘Merry Christmas’ messages and Merry Christmas to everyone! I’m thankful so much for my friends and very thankful for my two(( I’m calling you both my bff’s)) bff’s. Love y’all. (They know who they are)
Anyway I’m gonna get off here and try to work on my ebook. Have a good night!

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