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Just Not Myself

Hey people! I had a pretty good day today. Loved it actually! Hope y’all are doing fine. I know some of you already know what’s going on with me and some of you know very little. I’ve mentioned before I don’t quite feel right lately. And it helps me to write it out. I want to thank those that have messaged me and are trying to uplift me, I appreciate you all very much.
I’m writing about this past Tuesday night. It was by far the worst ‘whatever’ melt down I’ve had so far. I can’t really explain it nor do I know why. All I know is how I felt and was reacting. Tuesday morning I got up and I forced myself to do things around the house. I painted some in the bathroom. Did the laundry and dishes, you know the normal housework stuff. I actually turned the stereo on for the first time in awhile and danced some while cleaning like I used to do. I even went outside and moved my two dogs kennel from one side of my house to the other all by myself. It was very difficult and very heavy, I just walked it without taking it apart. It was hard to do and I hurt my back and shoulder. But my dogs were swimming in mud and they were miserable, I had to do something. After everything was done and I was content with everything being clean. I got in the shower and just like that I became so sad that I started crying. Yes I was thinking about stuff but living alone, I really don’t have nothing else to do but think.I said out loud, what was the point in cleaning like that…ain’t like I get a lot of company. Mostly I just feel like no one really gives a damn when it really comes down to it. Not saying they don’t but that’s how I feel. Like if I disappeared would anyone even notice? And no I’m not suicidal, just sad. At night is when I really feel alone. I have no one to talk to, or to hold me, or to even watch tv with. It really sucks. I’ve never experienced this in my life, ever. I cry myself to sleep most nights. My eyes were puffy wednesday from crying tuesday night. I’m not crazy, I swear lol. Please no one think that, I’m just dealing with loneliness and I’ve been through complete hell this whole year.I guess everything I’ve dealt with and still go through has just emotionally caught up with me.The thought I have the most is I Just Want To Be Held when I’m having a hard day or night or someone just at least act like they give a damn and that I’m not invisible.
And no I’m not getting another dog or a cat! Lol. Anyway back to the shower. When I got out I looked at myself and asked why doesn’t anyone really care? I totally lost it at that moment and I literally sat in the bathroom floor and bawled like a baby for a long time. The hurt I feel is similar to a broken heart. That feeling is what I carry around. I’m guessing this is some sort of depression caused by all the hell I’ve dealt with and still deal with. I hate feeling like this. I’m normally very active and a happy go lucky kinda person so this shit has to go. If your wondering what my ‘hell’ was…….
Well it was a divorce, a really bad boyfriend experience, lost everything I had, lost my credit and now in bankruptcy, lost my house, had nowhere to go, had to live in my truck for a little while, finally rented a house but had no money for power and water for like three weeks in the summer heat. I had a couple of panic attacks because the dark and silence freaked me out. And just a bunch of other little things here and there. So like I said I believe the weight of it all has just caught up with me and now I have this to overcome.
I am a very stubborn person and a very strong person. Strong because I have had no other choice to be anything less.I know we all have or had problems but I have become an open person and I have to let it out. I don’t want what I’m going through to scare anyone away from me, I just need help, and I’m not talking about finances either please don’t think that. Again thanks to all y’all that do talk to me and try to help me instead of trying to date me, y’all rock! Love you guys and gals!

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